Teaser Tuesday and Top Ten Places NOT to Read a Book

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:


-Grab your current read
-Open to a random page
-Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
-BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (Make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
-Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!


I'm currently re-reading Magic Bleeds, book four of the awesome Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews.

I could do this. I just had to stay cool. Zen. No punching in the face. Punching would not be Zen.

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Top Ten Tuesday is hosted weekly by the lovely ladies at The Broke and The Bookish.

This week's "freebie" was actually more difficult than just making up things for a given category! But after straining my brain to its limits (and with a little help from some friends), I came up with...

The Top Ten Places NOT to Read a Book
For the record, I have only actually done 4.5 of these.

10. In Class

97% of my grade school experience

Boring classes are pretty much a fact of life, unless you go to some strange alternate-universe school that actually teaches you interesting things in interesting ways. I'm pretty sure those don't exist though. Anyway, if you're stuck in a boring class, you might think to yourself, "Hey, I know. I'll read a book under the desk! That will be way more interesting than learning the decimal system!"

DO NOT DO THIS.

This will only result in you learning nothing about decimals and, since you know nothing about decimals, failing your decimal test, which will severely traumatize your fifth-grade self. Hypothetically. Because obviously I would never do such a thing.

0.001% of my grade school experience. Still traumatized.

9. In the Bathtub

So, after a long, stressful day learning about decimals (because you have figured out that you should not read in class), you need something soothing. And what's more soothing than a hot bath with a good book?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You will inevitably drop your book in the water, which as it turns out does not end well for your book. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but apparently water beats pen hands-down.

Oops?

8. While Driving

Just another day in paradise.

Who doesn't hate traffic jams? Who doesn't wish there were something to occupy their time in such situations besides screaming obscenities at your friendly neighboring drivers? Why not break out a book for those times? It's not like you're actually going anywhere, right?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You would think this would be obvious (although one time I did study for a calculus test at red lights. That probably wasn't good either), but I have actually seen people sitting in traffic with a book balanced on the steering wheel. Guys, THIS WILL RESULT IN BAD THINGS.

7. In a Meeting

Meetings are boring. And also pointless. And also boring and pointless. If only you could do something interesting in them surreptitiously...like read a book! Books are fun and not boring! Plus they can often be disguised as cell phones or computers, so that it looks like you're doing real work, like skimming 9GAG.

DO NOT DO THIS.

When you start laughing at a funny line, your boss will notice that you are not listening to the meeting (because meetings are not funny). Then you will get fired and be forever alone.

6. At a Family Gathering

Except James Earl Jones would never sound that awkward.

You know your family? Not the ones you live with, the ones you see like once every three years and they seem to have multiplied every time? At some point, you will have to go visit them. All of them. At the same time. And since you don't like inane chit chat and everyone except you and Brother is either over 40 or under 10, you pull out your phone so you can read a book.

DO NOT DO THIS.

People will give you disappointed looks and you will bring shame upon your family. Then you will have to redeem yourself by talking about what you want to do with your life for the whole rest of the party, until you run out of ways to make "I don't have a @#!*ing clue" sound positive. Then you will have to listen to baby stories.

5. Sitting by a Fire
*Thanks to Jen for this idea!

FIRE

Let's say you're camping, and it's bonfire time. You grab a pointy stick, some marshmallows, and a book, and pull your chair up close to the fire to stay warm.

DO NOT DO THIS.

While you are nibbling on your perfectly toasted marshmallow, a giant spider may appear suddenly on your hand. As you run around screaming like a little girl, "Get it off get it off get it off!!" everything that you were previously holding (i.e. marshmallow, stick, and book) will be accidentally consigned to the flames.

Guys, never Google image search for spiders. If you hear whimpering at any point after this, don't worry, it's just me suffering from giant spider PTSD.

4. While Straightening Your Hair

Straightening your hair is tedious and repetitive. Difficulty level easily below a 2. You could do it in the dark, with your eyes closed. So since it's so boring, why not prop a book against the mirror and read while you primp?

DO NOT DO THIS.

Recognize this thing?

It's either a hair straightener or a medieval torture device.

See those metal plates? In order to make your hair stay straight, those plates heat up to very high temperatures. Temperatures like that make big owies when you stop paying attention. And then once you stop screaming, you won't remember where you were in the book anyway.

3. While Cooking Dinner

Although if my cooking produced green flames, I would not find it necessary to read. Or eat.

"Aha!" you think. "I will just read a few pages while waiting to flip my pancakes! No harm could possibly come from that!"

DO NOT DO THIS.

There's no such thing as "just reading a few pages." Thirty pages later, you will realize that all you have to eat now is this:

Ew. Again, not eating.

2. In a Duel to the Death
*Thanks to Sonnie for this idea!

One sunny day, you are strolling along idly, when suddenly you hear someone mocking Harry Potter! There is clearly only one solution. You must challenge this person to a duel. To the death. And they will accept, because they are obviously crazy. On the appointed day, you meet in a clearing. After saluting each other, you both turn around and march ten paces away. Then, you turn back to face your opponent, and...
open your book. Wait, what?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You are in a duel to the death, Hypothetical Object of This Speech! By definition, the loser of a duel to the death dies. Don't die.

Thanks, Boromir. You always did give the best advice.

1. While the Plane is Taking Off/Landing

DO NOT DO THIS.

Because after being told to shut off my Kindle 11,000 times, this is what I assume will happen if I leave it on:

If this is not what will happen, then LET ME READ MY FREAKING KINDLE.

So what did you pick for today's list? (And how many of these have you done?) Leave a link after your comment!