Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Teaser Tuesday and Top Ten Places NOT to Read a Book


Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be ReadingAnyone can play along! Just do the following:


-Grab your current read
-Open to a random page
-Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
-BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (Make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
-Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!


I'm currently re-reading Magic Bleeds, book four of the awesome Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews.

I could do this. I just had to stay cool. Zen. No punching in the face. Punching would not be Zen.





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Top Ten Tuesday is hosted weekly by the lovely ladies at The Broke and The Bookish.

This week's "freebie" was actually more difficult than just making up things for a given category! But after straining my brain to its limits (and with a little help from some friends), I came up with...

The Top Ten Places NOT to Read a Book
For the record, I have only actually done 4.5 of these.
10. In Class

97% of my grade school experience

Boring classes are pretty much a fact of life, unless you go to some strange alternate-universe school that actually teaches you interesting things in interesting ways. I'm pretty sure those don't exist though. Anyway, if you're stuck in a boring class, you might think to yourself, "Hey, I know. I'll read a book under the desk! That will be way more interesting than learning the decimal system!"

DO NOT DO THIS.

This will only result in you learning nothing about decimals and, since you know nothing about decimals, failing your decimal test, which will severely traumatize your fifth-grade self. Hypothetically. Because obviously I would never do such a thing.

0.001% of my grade school experience. Still traumatized.

9. In the Bathtub


So, after a long, stressful day learning about decimals (because you have figured out that you should not read in class), you need something soothing. And what's more soothing than a hot bath with a good book?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You will inevitably drop your book in the water, which as it turns out does not end well for your book. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but apparently water beats pen hands-down.

Oops?

8. While Driving

Just another day in paradise.

Who doesn't hate traffic jams? Who doesn't wish there were something to occupy their time in such situations besides screaming obscenities at your friendly neighboring drivers? Why not break out a book for those times? It's not like you're actually going anywhere, right?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You would think this would be obvious (although one time I did study for a calculus test at red lights. That probably wasn't good either), but I have actually seen people sitting in traffic with a book balanced on the steering wheel. Guys, THIS WILL RESULT IN BAD THINGS.


7. In a Meeting


Meetings are boring. And also pointless. And also boring and pointless. If only you could do something interesting in them surreptitiously...like read a book! Books are fun and not boring! Plus they can often be disguised as cell phones or computers, so that it looks like you're doing real work, like skimming 9GAG.

DO NOT DO THIS.

When you start laughing at a funny line, your boss will notice that you are not listening to the meeting (because meetings are not funny). Then you will get fired and be forever alone.


6. At a Family Gathering

Except James Earl Jones would never sound that awkward.

You know your family? Not the ones you live with, the ones you see like once every three years and they seem to have multiplied every time? At some point, you will have to go visit them. All of them. At the same time. And since you don't like inane chit chat and everyone except you and Brother is either over 40 or under 10, you pull out your phone so you can read a book.

DO NOT DO THIS.

People will give you disappointed looks and you will bring shame upon your family. Then you will have to redeem yourself by talking about what you want to do with your life for the whole rest of the party, until you run out of ways to make "I don't have a @#!*ing clue" sound positive. Then you will have to listen to baby stories.

5. Sitting by a Fire
*Thanks to Jen for this idea!
FIRE

Let's say you're camping, and it's bonfire time. You grab a pointy stick, some marshmallows, and a book, and pull your chair up close to the fire to stay warm.

DO NOT DO THIS.

While you are nibbling on your perfectly toasted marshmallow, a giant spider may appear suddenly on your hand. As you run around screaming like a little girl, "Get it off get it off get it off!!" everything that you were previously holding (i.e. marshmallow, stick, and book) will be accidentally consigned to the flames.

Guys, never Google image search for spiders. If you hear whimpering at any point after this, don't worry, it's just me suffering from giant spider PTSD.

4. While Straightening Your Hair

Straightening your hair is tedious and repetitive. Difficulty level easily below a 2. You could do it in the dark, with your eyes closed. So since it's so boring, why not prop a book against the mirror and read while you primp?

DO NOT DO THIS.

Recognize this thing?

It's either a hair straightener or a medieval torture device.
See those metal plates? In order to make your hair stay straight, those plates heat up to very high temperatures. Temperatures like that make big owies when you stop paying attention. And then once you stop screaming, you won't remember where you were in the book anyway.

3. While Cooking Dinner

Although if my cooking produced green flames, I would not find it necessary to read. Or eat.

"Aha!" you think. "I will just read a few pages while waiting to flip my pancakes! No harm could possibly come from that!"

DO NOT DO THIS.

There's no such thing as "just reading a few pages." Thirty pages later, you will realize that all you have to eat now is this:

Ew. Again, not eating.

2. In a Duel to the Death
*Thanks to Sonnie for this idea!

One sunny day, you are strolling along idly, when suddenly you hear someone mocking Harry Potter! There is clearly only one solution. You must challenge this person to a duel. To the death. And they will accept, because they are obviously crazy. On the appointed day, you meet in a clearing. After saluting each other, you both turn around and march ten paces away. Then, you turn back to face your opponent, and...
open your book. Wait, what?

DO NOT DO THIS.

You are in a duel to the death, Hypothetical Object of This Speech! By definition, the loser of a duel to the death dies. Don't die.

Thanks, Boromir. You always did give the best advice.

1. While the Plane is Taking Off/Landing

DO NOT DO THIS.

Because after being told to shut off my Kindle 11,000 times, this is what I assume will happen if I leave it on:

If this is not what will happen, then LET ME READ MY FREAKING KINDLE.

So what did you pick for today's list? (And how many of these have you done?) Leave a link after your comment!

41 comments:

  1. EXCELLENT list :)

    As a former truck driver - I cannot tell you how commonly I have seen people driving down the interstate (or in a big city during a rush hour traffic jam) reading a book or magazine! I was always shocked by this.

    As for the bathtub? I have taken to reading on an e-reader in the bathtub -- I have a waterproof sleeve for it, since I dropped so darn many books that way!


    Come see my Top Ten / Teaser Tuesday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh! I've only seen people reading and driving a couple of times, but talk about a disaster waiting to happen!

      I may need to get one of these waterproof sleeve things...

      Delete
  2. That was such a funny list, lol.
    My Top Ten: http://readerbenji.blogspot.com/2012/01/top-10-tuesday-5.html

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  3. You are hilarious! I love your list! I agree with the tub. I could never do that. I'd drop my book for sure.


    - Jana @ That Artsy Reader Girl (and The Broke and the Bookish)

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  4. Great teaser - love the Kate Daniels series :)

    Here are my teasers for this week: http://witandsin.blogspot.com/2012/01/teaser-tuesday_23.html

    Kat
    Wit and Sin

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  5. This is a brilliant list, and you make some very good points! Thanks for a laugh this early in the morning!

    Tara @ Hey, Tara

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  6. Creative and funny list! I've definitely read in class, while cooking, by the fire and at a family gathering -- and you're spot on for all of those!

    New follower!
    My Top Ten Tuesday

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  7. Hahahaha this is an amazing list... I'm guilty of a couple (well okay, probably half) of these!

    Thank you for choosing a cute cartoon spider, rather than some big black ACTUAL spider!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I had to! I'm not even terribly afraid of spiders and that search freaked me out!

      Delete
  8. This was fantastic! I could not quit laughing!!

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  9. LOL!!
    Great post & teaser.

    New follower. Here's my TT this week: http://ttoria.blogspot.com

    TToria
    xo

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  10. Great list! I cannot tell you how many times I have been cooking and decided to read just a few pages while I was waiting and ended up with a mess!

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  11. Awesome list! I've been guilty of reading in the bath and damaging books in the past, but now I only have a shower so I can't do that any more. Love the pictures of the potential results :)

    My top ten is here if you'd like a look :)

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  12. Hey! What's wrong with being 40?! I have a duel to the death to prepare for... where'd I put my book?

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  13. What a great list! I've had a few books where I've wondered if I could read them while driving ... luckily, I always decide not to. Of course, now they've passed a law saying that you could be ticketed for any distractions while driving, from talking on the phone to reading to shaving your legs. Ha ha .. Oh, and I've done the bathtub thing before - not worth it!

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  14. I have definitely A.) Dropped a book in the bathtub B.) Been yelled at for reading books during a family event C.) Burned dinner while lost in a novel D.) Failed a spelling test because I was reading my book between words.

    I will, however, never understand people who read and drive!

    My list!: http://busyteacher.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/top-ten-tuesday-freebie-edition/

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hilarious! Great list. I am guilty of reading while I walk, which was often the only time I got to read - but y'know, I never walked into anyone! And I have read at work - not during a meeting, but several years ago when I was reading New Moon I kept it beside my computer and when no one was around I opened it to keep reading. I may have got caught and they just didn't care, but hopefully I was subtle!

    Did you really have to sit at little desks like that? I've been wondering about this - I see it in TV shows and movies, ones set in the U.S., Canada and England, but I guess I'm still hoping that they don't actually do this. Growing up in Australia, I didn't have a single class like it - plenty of boring classes though! That's down to disappointing teachers but also subjects: I spent plenty of maths classes gazing out the window, daydreaming about Sean Bean in Clarissa (before he got mean), or Timothy Dalton as Mr Rochester - I loved me some costume drama in high school! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooo, I've read while walking too. And I never really bumped into people, but I definitely did bump into objects!

      Yes. Yes I did.

      Delete
  16. I have absolutely dropped some books in the bath tub, not good.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awesome idea!! I must admit I'm guilty of at least half of these (mainly 3, 6, 8, 9, and 10) and they don't always end well...anyway, love this post, made me giggle a lot! I totally feel you on the spider horror! New follower :)
    My Top Ten

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  18. ahahahahahahahha! GREAT list!

    I've done six of these things... I'm sure I would read during a fight to the death too if I had a chance.

    Thanks for stopping by my TTT!!

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  19. I'm afraid to say I've broken most of these...and boy, that guy fighting me was annoyed that I didn't give our trial-by-combat my full attention. But what could I do?

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  20. LOL, great idea for a TTT list.
    I didn't know some people read a book when they're driving, that's crazy, I do crazy things, but nothing like that.

    Here's my Top Ten Tuesday
    Nazish Reads

    And my Teaser tuesday

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  21. LOL Nice i may have done a few of these...Nice choice for a top ten!!

    My top Ten http://booknerdrambling.blogspot.com/

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  22. Almost every time we're on our way out the door to a family get-together, be it a dinner, Thanksgiving, a nephew's birthday, whatever, I ask my wife, "Where's my book?" "Joel," I hear, "You *cannot* read at this tonight. It's so rude." "Well," I decide, "I can just find something there."

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  23. Hehe! Excellent! Except that reading in the bath is my absolute favourite activity, so I'm willing to risk the book's safety for that :)

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  24. Loved your teaser! NO, punching would NOT be Zen. Sounds like a terrific book.
    Here's mine: Sandy's Teaser

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  25. Hilarious list! Love it! 2012 can't waits... http://marmaladelibby.blogspot.com

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  26. LOL!!!! Great list.. "DO NOT DO THIS" hahah.. Tho, I am quite the offender of reading while cooking.. but most of the time, it's fairly quick to boil and I'm so busy watching the food that I don't get much reading done anyway..

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Michele | Top 10

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  27. Awesome, awesome list - especially the pictures! I love reading in the bath but you're right, it ends in tears far too often. I chose top ten heroines this week - check it out at YA Yeah Yeah if you'd like to.

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  28. This was hilarious! I have done 3. Also, if you read by a fire, your book will smell like campfire for eternity. Ew. Keep the good book smell!
    Also, I love The Office!
    http://emily-toomanybooks.blogspot.com/2012/01/top-ten-tuesday.html

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh dear I've done at least 7 of those. And probably will again. >.>

    Though I will say, I've adopted audiobooks not only for driving but for listening to while I straiten my hair and make dinner. Walking around my own house with headphones on for portability? Sad, but worth it.

    I just brought home Magic Bites from the library tonight! Excited to start it, I haven't read any Ilona Andrews yet. =)

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  31. I completely agree with your list!!!! Gosh, I will not read in any of the places you've mentioned although I have read in classes before! (Naughty me :P) Thank you for sharing this with us! What an awesome list! ♥

    Celine @ Forget-me-not

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  32. Hah! Fantastic list. I have to say, though, I've done most of these :P I used to read in class, but I went to a pretty lame school so I actually wasn't missing an education. I read at family gatherings all the time and I do get some disappointed looks, but mostly they all look at me like we're in on a secret joke together. I promise it's not a secret joke, people, I just enjoy reading and you haven't broken out the food yet.

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  33. I haven't done most of these but I read at family gatherings! I always bring a book to every family gathering. Most of my cousins are young (like the type that still wants to scream and run around) so I just sit in one corner and read. I call myself blessed because I'm rarely bothered except a few "What are you reading?" then they walk away. :)

    I have read during landing and take off. But with a physical book. :)

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  34. This was a hilarious list! Let's see, I have read in the bathtub and in the shower, I have read while in traffic, in school, at work and in meetings (can you tell I like to read?) I may have read at family gatherings and around a fire...but the light wasn't too good. Does curling your hair count the same as straightening? After the burn across my forehead, stopped that one! Then, I always read while cooking...either the cookbook, or grabbing a few lines of the book I just cannot put down. I've read in shopping lines and other places of great waits. I have even read while exercising. Luckily, no duels!

    Hope you visit my funny list! Here's my Top Ten - Enjoy!

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  35. This list is FANTASTIC, haha. Thank you for linking this to me! :)
    I haven't done most of these, except for the reading in class one. Which now, in hindsight probably explains my inability to do math.

    and any advice Boromir is willing to give, I will take it. I will make sure...no reading during a duel to the death :p

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! Hop on over any time! I look forward to reading more from you!

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  36. lol Kate, this was hilarious. You do such a good job with the photos and lists!

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