Friday, April 6, 2012

In Which I Am Bad at Traveling

Today I flew home for Easter, so with packing/getting ready yesterday and running around like a headless chicken this morning, I did not have time to write a real post. And truthfully I was being kind of lazy. But because I believe in recycling, I thought I'd share this travel "summary" that I wrote during my Christmas trip. I thought it was funny. If you do too, let me know! If you don't...pretend you did?

A (mostly) true story

3:04 pm: Throw various things into a suitcase. Check in for flight. Feel prepared.

9:46 pm: Remember pile of dirty laundry in hamper. Take laundry to laundry room. All machines in use. Decide that it is completely reasonable to wake up at 5:30 to do laundry. Get only two known lines of "5 o'clock in the morning" stuck in head.

11 pm: Remember earliness of alarm. Consider going to bed. Decided to finish up on GR first.

11:56 pm: Still on GR. Remember earliness of alarm again. Read book.

12:17 am: Notice that it is technically Monday. Publish blog post. Decide to finish one last chapter of book.

12:41 am: 3 chapters later, notice that chapter has ended. Finish new chapter. Convince self that Middle of Crisis is an appropriate place to stop. Turn off light.

12:48 am: Worry about not getting enough sleep.

12:52 am: Realize that if not for worrying about getting enough sleep, enough sleep might actually be gotten. Ponder annoying catch-22s. Think of all the things that could go wrong with travel, and plan entire next morning.

12:59 am: In attempt to fall asleep, count sheep. Sheep throw a party, invite giraffes and alpacas. Strobe lights make counting difficult. Two lines from "5 o'clock in the morning" play on infinite repeat. Consider murdering T-Pain.

2:03 am: Wish brain had an "off" switch. Realize that "off" would mean death. Consider feasibility of off switch for voluntary brain functions. Discover ethical issues thereof and discard idea.

3:49 am: Wake up. Even though temperature outside is freezing and heat is off, bedroom is too hot because neighbors think 90 is an appropriate thermostat setting. Remove top layer of blankets.

4:22 am: Wake up. Bedroom now too cold. Reapply blankets.

5:20 am: Alarm goes off. Make incoherent noise resembling no known human language, but possibly related to language of hibernating bears. Hit snooze button.

5:41 am: Actually get up. Go make coffee. Realize last of coffee used yesterday. Despair, only without emotion because it is Too Early For Emotion. Find expired Starbucks Via packets in back of cabinet. Rejoice, only without emotion because it is Too Early For Emotion.

5:45 am: Take laundry to laundry room. Forget laundry card. Go back and get laundry card and start washer. Realize belatedly that flat dry items will not have time to dry before departure.

6:19 am: Move laundry to dryer. Wonder what to do with next hour and 41 minutes. Hum same two lines of "5 o'clock in the morning," realize it, and stop.

6:25 am: Throw more things in suitcase. Plagued by niggling sensation of having forgotten something. Remind self of ever-present sense of having forgotten something, and that almost everything has replacements at home. Self argues that some things, like chargers, would be disastrous if forgotten. Realize futility of arguing with self. Rule out insanity as cause of argument, probably.

7:20 am: Check weather. Current location: freezing, home: balmy. Attempt to create wardrobe ensemble appropriate for both climates. No such outfit exists.

8:00 am: Decide to leave.

8:14 am: Actually leave. Continue to be pestered by thoughts of forgetting things. Convince self that nothing important has been forgotten. Walk to metro station. Freeze. (See 7:20 am.)

8:30 am: Arrive at metro. Remember that it is rush hour. Spend trip contemplating hatred of crowds. Note to self that murder sprees are usually socially frowned up.

9:10 am: Arrive at airport. Present electronic boarding pass on cell phone at security check. Congratulate self on technological savviness. (Technological savvy?)

10:20 am: Head for actual departure gate. Fail to find gate. See gates 15-22, but not 14. Panic slightly. Hope bystanders don't notice apparently aimless wandering.

10:26 am: Discover previously unknown wing of airport. Find gate. Feel relieved and slightly stupid.

10:40 am: Board plane. Find self seated next to gassy senior citizen. Wallow in melodramatic misery, and also bad smell.

1:20 pm: Arrive at home. Success! Celebrate end of travel responsibilities with food. 

1 comment:

  1. Hehe, I remember this story! Thanks for the chuckle...again ;)


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